I think it’s true, that being away from someone for a long time could be a good thing sometimes, especially when the friendship we had, started to sour terribly towards the end. I wish it didn’t have to end up the way it did, but the situation could not be helped. ~Betty~
As time went by, she fell further and further into a deep depression over various things….
like the pressures from her job, but one of the main reasons for her deep depression was the lack of a lifetime partner. She wanted that more than anything on this earth. But it seemed that no matter how hard she tried, she wasn’t able to meet the right someone.
You see what causes great upset in me, is when I helplessly watch someone I love and am concerned about suffer, I am the one with the bleeding heart, also the one who winds up drained. Whether it’s for a family member or a close friend.
I cry and hurt right alongside my friend or my family member who may be going through a difficult time or phase. I find myself spending a lot of time in prayer for them and looking for solutions to their problem. So if it turns out to be something that cannot be helped at all, it gets even worse for me because there is nothing worse then that feeling of being helpless and powerless.
So for me it’s easy to be there, right by their side for however long it takes for them to get through the difficult time. I will gladly listen when an ear is needed, gladly hug, hold and do whatever I can to help ease the pain.
I know life can be very difficult at different times, so that’s the main reason I am so grateful and realize the importance of being in relationship with God. I know when I feel overwhelmed and heavy it’s time for me to put my trust in Him once more and have that assurance that He will work things out with time.
Being happy go lucky around a person whose heart is heavy
is as bad as stealing his jacket in cold weather,
or rubbing salt in his wounds. Proverbs 25: 20
So I tell you I don’t know how it feels to live alone on a constant basis, but I do know how it feels to be lonely and wanting something that never comes.
It was very obvious most times when I saw her, I could tell when she needed some cheering up and so I’d play the role of a clown, (lol) just so I’d get to see a smile on her face. I always looked for an excuse to invite her over and include her in my life as much as possible. I am sure she didn’t know that I purposely did it half the time, pretending I needed her to help me cook, clean or go grocery shopping or to sit with me while getting my hair done. Those things I could have done all by my lonesome self, but I just didn’t want her to have so much time on her hands, being alone or sitting in her house all alone.
I recall how she would participate in my little match making schemes as I’d introduce her to some guys I knew or met, because I always believed that there was someone for everyone in this world. But somehow things never went any further. I never could understand why because she has such a nice pleasant personality and she is very bright.
But there were times she’d remind me of how she believed it was so easy for me to be in relationship with someone, because she felt I was very pretty and she wasn’t. I swore I hated when she did that. I couldn’t stand it, because it always made me feel a little bit guilty. To this day I don’t know why I always felt guilty about that. Back then I dated a lot and always had plenty of male friends and it was because I liked guys, I grew up with five (5) brothers and always got along with them very well. I got along with males really well for some reason. It was just the females who seemed to make my life difficult and it wasn’t because I didn’t try getting along with other females. I always felt they just did not like me for some reason and it was never disclosed to me as to why. I mean people would tell me what they thought it was but it just did not make any sense to me. Then there was the issue of women being so catty with each other. Oh how I hated that. If a friend of mine had a boyfriend I always respected their relationship and never flirted or tried to be involved with their boyfriend. I was the kind of girl who you could trust around your man. So even though I had female friends, I always could count them on my one hand.
So when I met, fell in love and married my husband, I was so happy and I continued to invite her to our place and encouraged her to be a part of my life as much as possible without my husband feeling as if she was in our home too much and was taking up too much of my time that he wanted. So she was like family to me.
Unfortunately, after a while she’d say things that hurt me and I tried to pretend and act as if those things did not bother me. I knew it was getting bad when I started feeling guilty about being married and the fact that she was not.
Most of the time when she would say hurtful things, I turned a blind eye to it because I knew it was only the pain of her loneliness doing the talking and that it wasn’t intentional.
But to tell you the truth, I don’t know if I could have endured what looked like voluntary torture in her to me. She was so doggone miserable. I don’t think I would have wanted to be so miserable about being alone. I don’t think I would have been able to bear ever being without a relationship nor to have never experienced what it felt like to be in love with a man. I wanted to know what it felt like to love, be loved and to make love early on. Although I must admit that I remained a virgin much longer than my friends, but it was out of fear. I wasn’t ready for a long time, I could not handle my relationship going to the next level although I tried many times. I don’t know why it frightened me so. Then as the years went by she had become more sullen, sad, cranky and even more depressed.
I’d find myself telling her that marriage is not so beautiful all the time and neither is it easy. There are plenty married lonely people out here and that she has to enjoy her own company and learn to be happy within herself even if she never finds that right person. But then again who was I to say this to her. I wasn’t in her shoes.
It had gotten to the point that it became unbearable for me to be in her presence…….
To be continued………………….see part three.